


For Him

by icedaddyvitya



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, First Kiss, Fluff, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confession, M/M, VictUuri, also i don't know how to tag, i love my gay sons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2016-12-15
Packaged: 2018-09-02 06:30:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8654365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icedaddyvitya/pseuds/icedaddyvitya
Summary: Yuuri wanted to fall into Viktor’s arms and cry but he could only think of his failure and how it reflected on Viktor. He felt his heart started to block up, building a wall around its self. The best way to help Viktor now was to detach and stay far away.





	1. Failure

**Author's Note:**

> AU- in which Viktuuri is not canon yet  
> Yuuri loses and can't handle it  
> This is trash I'm sorry  
> Also I spell it Viktor and Yuuri don't @ me

Viktor hadn’t let Yuuri watch the other skaters programs or even look at the rankings. He wanted to minimize the anxiety his young student had.

But, the not knowing was almost worse.

Either way, it was time for them to announce the final standings of the Grand Prix Final. Sweat was pooling in unnatural places on Yuuri’s body underneath his track suit. Viktor was rubbing his back in a poor attempt to calm his nerves. Nothing could do that now though. 

6th place… not him. A sigh of relief. At least it wouldn’t be as bad as the previous year.

5th place… not him again.

4th place… Katsuki Yuuri. His jaw dropped. The world around him blurred. All he could see was his name in the 4th slot on the big screen.

_No, no, no. Not again. This can’t be happening again._ Yuuri’s thoughts were swirling in his head. He couldn’t focus on anything. He noticed Viktor’s arms were wrapped tightly around his waist, his face pressed against Yuuri’s neck. He was whispering something about how it was an improvement, and it’s a big deal to even get to the Grand Prix Final.

None of it mattered. He had failed. Again. Even with Viktor as his coach, he couldn’t win. 

He didn’t cry. He didn’t speak. He couldn’t.

Wordlessly, Yuuri pulled away from his coach and made his way toward the exit. He could hear Viktor following behind, but he didn’t want that. He could hear TV reporters asking him questions; “Are you going to continue skating?” “How does it feel to lose again?” “Is Viktor going to stay on as your coach?” He didn’t acknowledge them and kept walking. He didn’t even bother to go the locker room to get his things. He just walked right out of the rink and didn’t intend on looking back.

“Yuuri! Please!” Viktor yelled after his student. 

“I don’t want to talk, Viktor.” Yuuri voice faltered momentarily.

“But, where are you going?” He couldn’t even look his coach in the eyes.

“Home, I guess.” Yuuri was cold, hard, expressionless.

“Is that it? Are you just going to disappear?” He could hear the desperation in Viktor’s voice.

Yuuri finally turned to Viktor. They looked at each other for a moment, Viktor searching for something, anything to say to get Yuuri to stay. There were tears collecting in his icy blue eyes that he was trying to push down. Viktor knew what was happening to Yuuri, and knew that he couldn’t do anything to stop it.

Yuuri wanted to fall into Viktor’s arms and cry but he could only think of his failure and how it reflected on Viktor. He felt his heart started to block up, building a wall around its self. The best way to help Viktor now was to detach and stay far away.

“I just need time to think, okay? But, uhm… thanks. For everything.” Viktor’s heart shattered. This was not the Yuuri he had come to know and love. He had never seen the other man like this. He was giving up. It felt like goodbye.

But, Viktor would not lie down and die so easily.

* * *

 Yuuri did what he was best at. He retreated into himself. He retreated so far into himself that no one even recognized him anymore.

He spent most of his days holed up in his room, not speaking to anyone. The only time he came out was to eat and even that was rare. He could hear his family whispering about him sometimes.

“Have you even heard him make a sound since he got here?” his mom asked. “At least last year he cried. I don’t think he’s coping very well.” 

“Viktor is going crazy, he calls me every day to get updates on how Yuuri is doing,” his sister whispered. Yuuri found that touching, even in his pit of despair and misery. 

Viktor called often. Every day to be exact. For three weeks. But, Yuuri couldn’t face him. He did listen to the voice messages, if only to hear his idol’s sweet smooth voice speaking only to him.

Most of the messages were the same, Viktor telling Yuuri he misses him, pleading him to come back to skating, telling him to call back. It broke his heart a little bit, to hear Viktor so desperate for him but being physically and mentally unable to reciprocate. 

Then one day the message was different.

_“_ Yuuri, I am disappointed in you. I thought you were better than this. You’ve hurt me deeply, abandoning skating, your fans, your friends…” He pauses for a moment, “Me. I though it all meant more to you than this, Yuuri. I thought I had taught you more than just how to be a better skater. I thought I taught you how to have confidence, and how to keep going even when it looks hopeless. I guess I was just kidding myself.” There was a long pause in the message. He heard Viktor sigh. Yuuri almost wanted to stop the message to keep his heart from breaking any further. But he heard Viktor whisper, “You were doing so well Yuuri. You were growing into a wonderful skater, and an even more wonderful man…” Yuuri audibly gulps at this confession. “If you did want to leave skating and do something else with your life, I would support you. But, I can’t support you lying around all day feeling sorry for yourself. I will even continue being your coach if you come back to skating…. Your better than this Yuuri… I wish you would call back, I miss you in more ways than one. I’ll stop calling you everyday now, and reduce it to once a week!” Viktor’s light hearted chuckle set Yuuri’s heart on fire and he started to remember the love he had for his coach. “Please come back to me soon, _zvezda moya_.”

With that, message ended and Yuuri quickly opened his laptop, opened Google translate and typed in “zvezda moya”.

_My star._

He slammed his laptop shut abruptly, and for the first time since the Grand Prix Final, he allowed himself to feel it all.

His face grew hot as tears started streaming down his face. A strangled sob escaped from his throat, as one thought played through his head: _I’m sorry, Viktor._

After a few minutes, Yuuri was able to calm himself down and clear his head. He frantically looked for his phone and when he did, he started to dial Viktor’s number.

_No, Yuuri!_ He scolded himself. He couldn’t call and tell Viktor all the things he wanted too until he had something concrete to show him. Real proof he had changed.

Instead, he sent Viktor a text: “I won’t let you down again.” Send.

Viktor took only a few seconds to reply: “Okay.”

Even though it wasn’t much, his coach’s response pushed him even further. He stayed up late in to the night, watching his old performances and Viktor’s, crafting a new program that would amaze Viktor.

 The next day, Yuuri emerged from his room, skates in hand, ready to get to work. His family watched in awe as he left the house for the first time in three weeks.

 He followed the same routine everyday: wake up, breakfast, strength training, Ice Castle, Lunch, Ice castle, hot spring, dinner, sleep. He tested the limits of his body, working six to seven hours each day. If he got sore, that just told him to push harder. He never rested, never relented, until he reached what he and what he hoped Viktor would deem perfection.

 He kept up this routine for a month, until he finally thought he was ready to face his coach again.

 And he did _think_ he was ready.

 But, once he punched in Viktor’s number he found himself frozen over the call button for 10 minutes.

The anxious voices in his head were telling him he still wasn’t good enough. _What if Viktor doesn’t want to see me? What if he found someone else to coach? What if he doesn’t think I’m good enough anymore? What if he doesn’t love me anymore?_

Yuuri‘s fears were amplified by the umpteenth degree because of the fact that he was in love with Viktor.

Yuuri was in love with Viktor and Viktor knew that. And Viktor was in love with Yuuri and Yuuri knew that. But, neither of them had actually said it to the other, which added a whole other complicated layer to their already complicated relationship.

When Yuuri walked away at the Grand Prix Final, he hadn’t just let Viktor down as a coach, or as a friend, but as a lover. He thought he was being stronger by just walking away but he now realized it was the weakest thing he could have possibly done.

Yuuri took a deep breath as he collected his thoughts. He had to push his fears and doubts aside. They had hurt Viktor once before and he couldn’t let it happen again.

_Viktor deserves better than this._

A flash of adrenaline filled Yuuri and he pushed the call button. He immediately regretted it, but there was no going back.

Ring.

_Pick up._

Ring. 

_Please, Viktor._

Ring.

_Pick up!_

“Hello? Yuuri?” Viktor said breathlessly, so overjoyed that the moment he had waited almost two months for had finally arrived.

“Viktor, I—“ Yuuri cut himself of before he dove in to a long emotional apology, “Hello. It’s good to hear your voice, again. I mean, I’ve been hearing your voice a lot, you call me everyday and I listen to all your messages but, I mean, It’s good…to… actually talk to you…”

“The feeling is mutual,” Viktor chuckled. “You got my messages… Why didn’t you call sooner? 

“I was embarrassed. For more reasons than one.”

“Yuur—“ Yuuri cut him off.

“Viktor, I have a lot of things I need to apologize to you for, and none of them are what I thought they were at the Grand Prix Final. And I could sit here and give you a long drawn out apology, but apologies are nothing with out action, right?” Viktor remained silent, unsure of what was coming next. “Please come back to Japan. I want you back… I’m going to return to skating and I can’t do that with out you, Viktor.” Both Yuuri and Viktor’s hearts were beating out of their chests. “I have something to show you that will explain everything.”

After taking a moment to collect his thoughts that were racing at 100 miles a minute, Viktor spoke, “This something… is it a new program?”

Yuuri chuckled, a sound that Viktor had missed desperately, “You know me too well. Yes, it is.”

“Have you decided on a theme for the season?”

“Yes,” Yuuri answered, “Redemption.”

This was the Yuuri Viktor remembered. This was the Yuuri he loved.

“I’ll be on the next flight out.”


	2. Redemption

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's nothing more to say other than i'm really proud of this be nice to me

Yuuri was waiting for him at the airport, which was a very welcome surprise. Viktor had thought that they were just going to meet at the Ice Castle, but there he was, standing at baggage claim, waiting.

Viktor was stunned, to say the least. Yuuri didn’t see him at first, so he took a moment to drink in everything he had missed for the past two months. He had his hair slicked back and Viktor smirked a little bit, sure that the young man had done that for his benefit. He looked exactly the same and some how different. He was a swirl of contradictions; hardened yet soft, unsure yet confident, scared yet hopeful.

Suddenly, Yuuri turned and saw him. They both froze for a second, simultaneously wanting to run into each other’s arms and not wanting to scare the other off.

But, Viktor couldn’t stand their separation any longer. He dropped all of his luggage and started running towards Yuuri and once he realized what was happening, Yuuri did the same. At full speed, they crashed to one another and wrapped their arms around each other tightly. After a few moments Yuuri pulled away, blushing profusely.

“U-uhm, h-hi,” he said with a sheepish grin on his face that made Viktor’s heart melt.

“Hello, Yuuri,” Viktor purred, running a hand through his student’s hair.

Yuuri laughed and pushed his hand away. “You’re going to mess up my hair!"

“Did you do it special for me?” Viktor teased, relieved that it seemed like nothing had changed between them.

The younger man blushed even harder. “N-no,” he stammered out, now moving to go pick up his coach’s things. Viktor continued to try to mess up Yuuri’s hair, as his student pushed him away, laughing as he did.

“Oh my god, stop!” Yuuri laughed. “Come on, we have to go!”

* * *

 

The closer they got to the Ice Castle, the quieter Yuuri became. Even though Yuuri had changed, fundamentally he was still the same and Viktor still knew him well. He could tell his student was nervous, but Viktor had failed at comforting him many times before. All he could do was have faith in the other man.

When they finally arrived, Yuuri said nothing and made a beeline for the rink. He took a few minutes to get his skates on and warm up, and Viktor could already see a steely determination in the young man’s eyes.

He positioned himself on the ice, crouched down, his fingertips lightly touching the ice. The music started and Viktor immediately recognized it: Yuuri on Ice. But it was different, faster, fuller, more powerful, more desperate.

Viktor could see a new story unfolding before him. Yuuri’s inner torment, his fears and doubts pulling him down. It seemed as is a force other than Yuuri’s own body was pulling him around the ice. But, it was all Yuuri. It was more intense than anything he had seen the young skater do before. Suddenly, the music lightened and the whole performance shifted.

Viktor was totally enthralled. The program was high difficulty, and Yuuri should have been showing signs of fatigue but he was going strong. Viktor was proud in a way; the performance was very technically proficient and there was no lack of heart but it made him sad to see all suffering Yuuri had endured alone.

With the shift of the performance, Viktor could see Yuuri’s hopes for his future. He wanted to push his anxieties aside, climb his way to the top, surprise everyone, and come out victorious. He could see Yuuri had taken advice from some of his own programs and his coach’s to come up with a program that was totally unique. Derivative, and yet some how totally original. It was sure to captivate anyone who saw.

He ended the performance in the same pose he did last season, with a hand reaching out to Viktor. His coach was shocked at the display from Yuuri. He was almost moved to tears.

He knew his student would want critiques, but he couldn’t think of any. Yuuri was perfect. But, maybe Viktor was just too in love to see any of his flaws.

Love.

Viktor had struggled with this feeling for a long time now. At first, he didn’t know that love was the reason that every time he saw Yuuri his heart would fill with an indescribable feeling and he felt nervous and relaxed, confusingly enough, at the same time. After spending more time with Yuuri, the feelings grew and grew until he couldn’t deny it anymore. Now he was very sure and very comfortable in the fact that he was in love with Yuuri.

Before the Grand Prix Final, the only reason Viktor hadn’t confessed his feelings was because he felt Yuuri wasn’t ready to hear them. Not to say he hadn’t dropped hints, some subtle, some not so subtle. Nothing too drastic, just some innocent hugs, lingering touches, seductive whispers down Yuuri’s neck…

Then, after his loss, Viktor pushed his feelings even further down. Yuuri was so destroyed, so shattered… it wouldn’t have been fair to either of them to confess his love.

Even though he was sure that unrequited love was actually requited in full, he always wanted Yuuri to be the first one to confess. He knew the younger man was inexperienced and wanted him to go at his own pace. Viktor also feared his playboy past would make any confession he made, seem disingenuous.

But Viktor almost couldn’t stand the waiting anymore after witnessing this performance. He knew how hard Yuuri must have worked to achieve the level of perfection he obtained, and knew a lot of that effort was for Viktor’s benefit. His student said he wouldn’t disappoint him again, and had put his heart and soul into that performance to prove it. Suddenly, an overwhelming need for Yuuri filled Viktor.

His mind was made up. He had to show or tell Yuuri how he felt, in some way. He still wanted Yuuri to be the first one to actually confess, but maybe he could prod it out of him a little.

As he pulled out of his own head, he noticed that Yuuri had collapsed on the ice, breathing heavily, his hands covering his face. Panic filled Viktor, as he scrambled on to the ice, almost falling on his face as he did. He slid up next to Yuuri, frantic.

“Yuuri, Yuuri! Are you okay?” Viktor tried to pull his student’s hands off his face.

“Sooooo sooooore….” Yuuri whined, under his breath.

“What’s that, _zvezda moya_?” Viktor was still frantic, convinced that something was terribly wrong.

“Oh my god, you’re so dramatic, _Vitya_ ,” Viktor felt himself blush at the affectionate diminutive of his name. He couldn’t even remember the last time someone called him that. It suited Yuuri well. “I’m fine, I’m just really sore. I’ve been working six hours, minimum, everyday for the past month. It’s just—fuck,” Yuuri winced as he tried to sit up.

“That’s not good for you, Yuuri. You didn’t show any signs of soreness before, why now?” Viktor asked as he helped his student to his feet and over to the benches.

“I guess since I was determined to impress you and make up for all my mistakes, I powered through the pain.” Yuuri winced again as his coach started to massage his aching muscles.

“Well whatever you did worked. I am thoroughly impressed. And you never needed to make up for anything, Yuuri. I’ll forgive you for anything, without any apology.” Yuuri felt his face grow hot, his heartbeat quicken, and for a moment was grateful he was facing away from his coach.

“You shouldn’t let me off so easy. I know I hurt you. You told me.” Viktor moved to sit next to Yuuri, cupping his face with one hand.

“Yes, but that was an impulsive thing to say. Selfish, really. I was only thinking about how I felt, not about how you felt. And I didn’t really care so much if you were leaving skating behind, I just feared you were leaving me behind with it. Either way, you came back to me and that’s all I really wanted. I forgave you with the first text you sent me after the Grand Prix Final….” He let his hand drop from Yuuri’s face and let it rest on the other man’s hand.

Yuuri’s breath hitched. He felt nervous in the worst way possible. He didn’t normally like to talk about his feelings, and reliving the Grand Prix Final made it doubly hard. But, he eased his mind by telling himself it was Viktor, and he wouldn’t judge him for anything.

“I wasn’t trying to leave you behind. I just felt… that maybe you’d be better off with out me. You left skating to coach me, and I didn’t even--“ He let out a loud sigh. “I though maybe if I distanced myself you could…find someone else or go back to skating… If I was out of the picture it would be easier for you to… I don’t know… repair your image.”

“Well you might have asked me how I felt about the situation!” Viktor teased, sliding closer to Yuuri. “Maybe I don’t want to repair my image. Maybe I want to let it be ruined with you, which it wasn’t for the record.”

Yuuri felt beads of sweat forming on his forehead, despite the freezing temperature of the ice rink. He was nervous. True, the two had always had a more affectionate way of talking to each other, but this felt different. He felt compelled to tell Viktor how he had been feeling for such a long time, but something was holding him back. He knew Viktor didn’t see him this way, but a part of him feared that his coach would just see him as a love crazed fan. It was ridiculous, and he knew that considering he was sure Viktor felt the same as he did, but he couldn’t shake the feeling.

_No!_ Yuuri thought to himself. _I can’t let my fear get in both of our way anymore_.

Still, he had never done this before, so he settled for something in between suppressing his feelings forever and a full-blow, movie scene love confession.

Slightly emboldened by his nerves, Yuuri entwined his fingers with Viktor’s and started absentmindedly tracing patterns on the back of the other man’s hand with his thumb.

“Well I’m glad you don’t care,” He looked over to Viktor with a smirk on his face. “I like having you all to myself.” Yuuri’s carefree smile sent Viktor’s heart racing. He knew where this conversation was heading and he loved it. He decided to give Yuuri a little push.

“Oh, really?” he whispered seductively down his student’s neck, “And why is that?”

He saw Yuuri shiver at the feeling of his hot breath on his neck and he loved it.

“Are you serious? Who wouldn’t love it?” Yuuri said, trying to maintain his composure.

Viktor pushed harder. “No, I asked why _you_ love it?”

The young man took a deep breath, trying to decide the best way to say what he wanted to say. “I guess at first, it was because you were my idol. I mean who wouldn’t want the best ice skater in the world, focused only on them?” He chuckled a bit, before continuing. “But, now it’s more just because…I like you. And not just because you’re, you know, _you_ , but I would like you the same if you were…anyone.”

The confession struck a chord within Viktor. _I don’t think anyone has actually said that to me before_. It was a very simple sentiment, yet it spoke volumes to Viktor. He was scrambling for words, when thankfully Yuuri spoke again.

“I don’t think you realize how much you mean to me, _Vitya_. Not just in a coach way, or a friend way but in a--” he sucked in a sharp breath, “Is it just me or is it hot in here? Wooh, I’m really hot.” Viktor immediately burst out laughing and Yuuri looked at him with a sheepish grin.

“We’re in an ice rink, Yuuri. So no, it’s not hot, it’s actually freezing,” he teased.

The young man felt all the blood rush to his face, “Sorry, I guess I just got nervous. Not really used to this kind of thing.”

Viktor pushed a few stray strands on hair from his love’s face and in the process wiped away some sweat from his forehead. Yuuri’s face softened a bit and he gave Viktor a small smile.

“It’s okay. Neither am I, I suppose. I’ve never been in love before. There’s a first time for everything though” _._ The words rolled off his tongue like honey. He confessed so easily, Yuuri almost felt like he’s done it hundreds of times. But no, this moment was new, unique. _Extraordinary._

_Did I just hear him right? He’s in love with me?_ Even though he always consciously knew this fact, subconsciously he had never really believed it. Actually hearing it was almost too much to take.

Yuuri didn’t realize he was holding his breath until he exhales loudly. Yuuri took a moment to consider his next move. Finally, he decided.

“Viktor?” he whispered tentatively. ”Can I-I kiss you?”

Taken back, Victor breathed out a quiet “Yes.”

Slowly, Yuuri brought his lips to Viktor’s, unsure of what he was supposed to do. After all, it was his first kiss. The kiss was slow, soft, tender, and everything Viktor and Yuuri had hoped it would be. It wasn’t the best kiss Viktor ever had, and yet it was because it was with his Yuuri. Neither of them wanted to pull apart, but eventually they did, both of their faces flushed and red, despite the innocence of the kiss.

Viktor wanted to keep going but he knew there was something he had to say before they proceeded. “Yuuri, before we keep going, I want us to promise each other something.” Yuuri nodded, and Viktor continued. “I want us to promise to never hide from each other again. I can only imagine how long you kept this to yourself considering how long I have. We’ve wasted so much time. Let’s not waste anymore.” Viktor ran a hand through Yuuri’s hair. Despite his earlier protests, Yuuri didn’t seem to mind if Viktor messed up his hair anymore. He stared intently in his lover’s deep brown eyes and waited for his response.

“I promise, Viktor.” Viktor’s heart filled with so much love, he didn’t even know what do with himself. He decided it would be best, to just kiss Yuuri again.

“Viktor, I—“ But Viktor lips were already on his, cutting him off.

This kiss was different. More desperate, more hungry. Their hands and lips moved with a sense of urgency, as they tried drink in as much of each other as they could. After all, they had a lot time they had to make up for.

Yuuri hands made their way up to Viktor’s head and his fingers tangled themselves in his new partner’s hair. In turn, Viktor, who had been toying with the hem of Yuuri’s shirt, moved them up the expanse of the man’s chest. He gasped and Viktor used this as an opportunity to slide his tongue in to Yuuri’s mouth. Yuuri jumped a little, but soon relaxed back into the kiss, following Viktor’s lead.

They kissed for a while, not being able to get enough of each other. They both wanted _more_ , but knew they couldn’t have it, at least not here. The both reluctantly pulled away, red faced and beaming at one another.

“Can _you_ promise _me_ something, _Vitya_?” Yuuri whispered, running his hand up Victor’s arm.

The young man’s voice a chill down his partner’s spine. Viktor felt as if Yuuri could ask him to murder someone at that moment, and he would do it. He was putty in his partner’s hands.

“Anything, Yuuri,” he replied, breathelessly.

“Don’t make me skate anymore today.” They both laughed and brought their foreheads together.

“Well how can I say no when you asked so nicely?” He pressed a loving kiss on Yuuri’s cheek. “No, we are taking a very long, well-deserved break.”

Yuuri smiled wide. “I can’t wait.”

 

 


	3. Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i decided to finally post this bc episode 11 happened and i'm not okay with it

They took a month off from training and it was the most amazing month of their lives.

Viktor insisted they go to Russia and stay in his apartment. He claimed it was only fair Yuuri spend sometime in Russia, learning about his culture since Viktor spent so long in Japan but Yuuri suspected Viktor just wanted to be alone with him. Not that he minded, it did get pretty frustrating, being interrupted by his parents every time things started to get intimate between them.

The domesticity of it all is what really got to Yuuri. He could honestly say he never thought he would wake up to breakfast in bed made by Viktor Nikiforov. He always thought of his coach as a smooth playboy, someone who reveled in worldly pleasures and couldn’t be tied down, but he fell into the role of housewife quite easily.

Yuuri liked to see this other side of Viktor and Viktor liked to show it to him. Most days they never left the apartment, just entertained by each other’s company. They tried to teach each other Russian and Japanese, but failed miserably. It usually ended in them in a pile of giggles on the floor, but they still kept trying anyway. Yuuri also discovered his partner loved to cook and bake. He tried to teach Yuuri but he usually just ended up watching Viktor and stuffing his face with whatever he made.

“ _Vitya_! You can’t blame me for gaining weight when we start training, when you’ve been fattening me up.” Viktor just rolled his eyes and laughed.

Some days, Viktor would drag them to some Russian landmark or place of importance. Yuuri did not enjoy these days as much. Not that he didn’t enjoy learning about Russian culture, it was just that in public that had to maintain a healthy distance. The kind of relationship they had was not generally accepted in Russia so whenever they went out, they both had a hard time.

No matter what, their days always ended the same; wrapped in each other’s arms, talking late in to the night. They became well versed in each other’s lives, learning depths about the other, that neither thought they would ever see.

“You’re the only one who sees me, Yuuri.” Viktor confessed one night.

“What do you mean?” Yuuri pushed the silver hair off his partner’s face and saw tears pooling in his eyes.

“You’re the only one who sees me for who I am and not for what I am.” Yuuri held him close and promised to never let go.

But like all good things, their month-long break had to come to an end, and they returned to Hasetsu for training.

* * *

 

At first, everything went well. Since Yuuri already choreographed a free program, Viktor helped him create the short program. Yuuri was ready and eager to learn, like always.

Then something changed.

It was fine when they were doing drills. Yuuri had made great progress and almost never flubbed a jump. He seemed almost happy when they just worked on the technical aspects of skating.

Actually rehearsing the programs was where everything went wrong.

At first the problem was just the fact that there was no passion behind his skating, but Viktor let him off easy, saying it was because he was still learning the programs. Emotion would come later.

But weeks went by and there was no change in the heart behind his skating. Viktor tried to motivate him, but Yuuri always cut his coach off, saying he was still getting there, to just give him some time.

Then he started missing his jumps. Strangely enough, it was only during his programs, not during drills. His heart wasn’t in it, and Viktor could see that but it was still hard not to get frustrated with his student.

Viktor knew Yuuri hadn’t completely lost his passion for skating. Sometimes, he watched Yuuri warm up. He liked to improvise and skate to random songs on his playlist. It was then Viktor saw Yuuri’s true passion. He would act silly and overly dramatic, trying anything to see how it felt and how it looked. He loved to see this side of Yuuri, but he didn’t get to see it often. 

One day Viktor snapped. After watching Yuuri mess up his triple toe loop in his free program for the fifth time in a row, he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Yuuri!” Viktor yelled. “You can do that jump fine during drills, why can’t you do it now?”

“I just—“ Yuuri started to response, but Viktor cut him off yelling again.

“You know what? No, don’t even say anything! I’m tired of the excuses. I’ve seen you do your free program perfectly and you have the skills to be doing your short program perfectly. Honestly, Yuuri, I don’t know what’s gotten into you. Get up and do it again.”

They sat in silence for a moment, Viktor fully expecting a protest from his student. Instead, Yuuri got up slowly and took his starting position for the short program.

* * *

 

The rest of the day, Yuuri stayed close to Viktor but didn’t speak to him. Viktor knew he was upset but not necessarily at him. He was thinking, and Viktor desperately wanted to know what was going on his partner’s head.

Their day had come to a close and they were lying in Yuuri’s bed, Yuuri still stuck in his own head. Viktor stared at him intently, as Yuuri played absent mindedly with his partner’s fingers. The older man decided to finally break the silence.

“I’m sorry for the way I snapped at you before.” The young man seemed unfazed by this sudden admission.

“It’s okay, _Vitya_. You were right anyway.”

“Still, I’m sorry. I just don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours.”

Yuuri snorted, “Join the club.” He sat up and ran a hand through his hair, obviously stressed about something.

Viktor sat up next to him. “Maybe if you talked about it you could sort out what you’re feeling.”

His partner’s face scrunched up a little. Viktor decided he needed to push a little to get Yuuri to open up.

“Yuuri, it’s obvious your heart is not in it. Is it the choreography? Do you not like it? I know it’s late in training but we can change it if you’d like.” Yuuri shook his head no, softly. “Then what is it? It has to be something with the programs. I see you during drills. I see you skate when you think I’m not watching. You love it. But all that passion goes away when we practice your programs.” Yuuri still remained silent and Viktor turned to face him. “Please, _zevzda moya,_ tell me what’s troubling you. Let me help.”

Yuuri let out a shaky breath and finally looked to his coach. Tears started to form in his deep brown eyes and Viktor’s heart broke. _Please just tell me!_ Viktor screamed in his head.

Finally, the young man spoke. “I… don’t know… if I want this anymore,” He confessed quietly. When he didn’t elaborate, Viktor pushed more.

“Want what?” Yuuri started crying harder, and Viktor was at a loss for what to do. He never felt so lost and helpless.

“I don’t know if I want to compete anymore.” Viktor must have shown his shock on his face because Yuuri hid his face from his partner and started sobbing, almost uncontrollably. “I’m so sorry, _Vitya._ I don’t want to disappoint you but I can’t do it anymore, I just can’t!” He choked out between sobs.

Viktor was panicked. He quickly drew his Yuuri to his chest, holding him as he cried and stroked his hair in an attempt to soothe him. “No, no, no, _dorogaya_ _moya._ I’m not disappointed, just confused. This seems so sudden. What made you change your mind?”

He didn’t reply for a few moments, trying to calm himself down. When looked at Viktor, his hair was messy, his face was red, and his eyes were puffy. For a moment Viktor thought of how confusing it was to be heartbroken by the look on Yuuri’s face but also to find it adorable.

“I don’t know. I don’t even think I realized it until today when you yelled at me. The only reason I did it right after that was because I didn’t want to disappoint you. And then I realized you were the only person I was doing this for and I love you, but it just didn’t seem like a good reason to keep going,” Yuuri confessed as he wiped tears out of his eyes.

“But, your theme is—was—redemption. I thought you wanted to prove to everyone you could win.”

“I know…But I think, all that work I did, was really just to redeem myself to you,” Yuuri admitted timidly, “And once I did that, I figured I’d keep going, but then I realized I didn’t really want to. And I thought that maybe… fourth is enough. And maybe I don’t need everyone to think I’m the best maybe I only need you… to think that.” Yuuri groaned and laughed at his own corny confession. Viktor smiled too. He took a moment to process everything Yuuri had said. Apparently, he had taken a moment too long because a look of panic spread on his partner’s face at his lack on response.

“I-I’m sorry, Viktor! You’re not upset with me, are you?”

Viktor shook his head vigorously, trying to repair the damage he had done. “No, no, no! I’m sorry I was just collecting my thoughts. I’m not upset at all.” He cupped Yuuri’s face in his hand, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead. “I want you to be happy above all else. And I always said I would support you if you wanted to leave skating.” He paused for a second unsure of what to say next. “What will you do now?”

“Well, I don’t know, I have this boyfriend, he’s pretty lame but I figured I’d just spend time with him,” Yuuri joked with a goofy grin on his face that made Viktor laugh.

“Okay, you know what I meant, Yuuri. I meant with your career,” Viktor replied, grinning back at his partner.

“Well, I don’t want to leave skating all together but I know it’s too late this season for me to do anything with it. So, I guess I’ll just take this season off… and as for next season… I thought it might be fun to coach someone… with you.”

Viktor consider his suggestion for a moment. “Two coaches for one skater? Is that even a thing?”

“We can make it a thing. You always said your top priority was surprising the audience.”

“That is true. But who would we coach?” Both of their eyes grew wide and they came to the same realization.

They turned to each other and yelled, “Yurio!” at the same time before collapsing in a pile of laughter at their own ridiculousness.

“I would love to coach Yurio. And I do owe him after what happened last season. But I don’t think Yakov would ever forgive me if I started poaching his other students. Plus with you involved I don’t know if Yurio would be interested,” Viktor teased.

Yuuri feigned hurt. “What are you talking about? He loves me!” he said, unable to commit to such a blatant lie. “Either way, I don’t care, he’ll learn to love me. And if not, I’ll still love him.”

“Well I guess there’s no harm in trying,” Viktor smiled down at Yuuri, whose face was still puffy and red, but full of hope and Viktor fell in love all over again. “Are you sure about all of this? It would be very hard for you to come back to skating after this and I don’t want you leaving on impulse. You have the skills and the passion to get the gold. I don’t want you to leave because you’re discouraged.”

“It’s not that. It’s like I said before, I don’t need to be the best. And I don’t think I have the emotional capacity to go through all of that again.”

Viktor just nodded and the two sat in silence for a while, Viktor occasionally placing gentle kisses on his partner’s temple.

“I do think you’re the best, for the record,” Viktor admitted, breaking the silence.

Yuuri looked up and slowly brought his lips to Viktor’s. The kiss was long, slow and when he pulled away, he lingered on Viktor’s lips, leaving him wanting more.

“I know,” he replied with a devilish smirk.

“A little cocky, aren’t we?” Viktor teased.

“You made me like this, _Vitya._  

“I gladly take full responsibility for that ,” Viktor replied as he pulled Yuuri back down on the bed, a weight lifted off both of their chests. They talked long into the night of their plans for the future, some simple and domestic, some extravagant and silly, but, despite everything, neither of them had ever felt happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the end of my self-indulgence but if people want more chapters i can do that too the story lends it's self to ending here or in the future  
> anyways enjoy<3

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fic in like 3 years so please be nice!


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